Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't turn off my feet"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
