I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
In America we eat man semen.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
