Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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