dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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