There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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