I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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