True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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