Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
