I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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