im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
