3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
