Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
