Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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