where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
