Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
