I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
