don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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