I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my shit smells like andre
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
