I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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