captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
