sarcasm needs its own font
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
