From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
