is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
