i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
