the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
