I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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