I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
