Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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