We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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