I wish I could teleport
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
