he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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