So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
