So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
