You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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