I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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