How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
