I just threw up on my dentist
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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