marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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