I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
