Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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