you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
