I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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