I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
