Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
