She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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