Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
