i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
