Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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