wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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