Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
