my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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