woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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