bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
